Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
