You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
