Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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