he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
