omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I will pee on everything he values.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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