I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
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We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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