Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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