This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
