there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
