Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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