I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
