Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
