and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
