**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
