I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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