that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
