Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
