Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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