New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
