the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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