she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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