Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
