Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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