I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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