you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think a kid would responsible me up
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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