It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
