watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
