You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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