The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
