I seem to have left my pride at pride
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize