I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
