My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
