my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
