He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
