What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
