Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
