i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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