He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
