You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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