if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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