I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
this just has baby written all over it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
