is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
