I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
