I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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