i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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