That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
