Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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