do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
