I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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