Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
