I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Couch. On fire.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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