No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
