Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
