Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
