Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
