haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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